Blue Oyster Cult-Burnin' For You

Things are fucked up! In the world in general but especially when it comes to love. There is heavy traffic on the dating sites right now. Everyone is looking for a hook-up. And my Harley Rider is all over the place. According to him this is still not a relationship but he bounces from extremes like a mentally unstable child.
This morning alone he said, "No one puts his cock in my pussy and your pussy is mine", along with, "Just use a condom with other guys".
I texted my ex-boyfriend yesterday. He was extremely mercurial throughout our relationship until I left him. Now ten years later he still consistently tells me he wants me back and how much he loves me. I just figured if anyone could give me some insight into the Harley Rider's brain it would be him. I worry I may just repeating the past.
I do however admit I am getting some amazing stress relief. We may be screwing with each other's heads as much as our bodies. But it is certainly fun to roll around in bed with him for hours. It has even made it easier to be around my dad. It could be alleviating some of my caretaker/family dysfunction burnout.

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After Note: Fell asleep at my Dad's because I am so tired staying up with my Harley Rider. He wouldn't let me sleep because he wanted to binge, "Curb your Enthusiasm". I don't want to watch "Curb your Enthusiasm" with my Dad. I reverted to emotional eating and wolfed down tortilla chips and ice cream. I think I need more sex.

Tame Impala-The Less I Know The Better

I went out with the Romanian last night. My Latino Harley rider said we were not exclusive. That didn't last for long. He came over after I got home. He wants me to cut it off with the Romanian. And we are now seeing each other. I'm not quite sure if I know what I am getting myself into. He went into full machismo mode. He said he would fight over me if it came down to it. I certainly do not want punches thrown on my behalf. The Harley rider can be a dick when he needs to be a dick.
The Romanian seems to be more sensitive and was willing to take things slow. Am I making a big fucking mistake? Am I throwing away the chance to an emotionally healthy relationship? One not based on carnal desire. I came so hard last night. It is almost impossible to see beyond the pleasure.
How do I end things with the Romanian? I may want to be bad but I don't want to hurt anyone's feelings. Does it at least deserve a phone call? I am usually the one being dumped. I am not good at gracefully ending things.

Ellie Goulding-Close to Me

The South American Harley rider stayed with me in my bed last night. I was going to break off things and instead had him come over. I feel such a primal animalistic desire for him. I am like a teenager fresh with hormones. Have I become the cliche of the blossoming woman under his hands? I just needed a good screw by the right man?
He drives me fucking crazy. The gruff biker teddy bear and I'm his bitch. Afterwards we cuddle naked, flesh pressed into naked flesh. We are trying to meld together like melting crayons for a stained glass project. He woke me up at 3:30 am to ride him. He is relentless.
I masturbated after he left as I recalled the night before. I needed porn to finish. What is going on with me? I just am so sick of being good. I want to be bad. It's almost like the 80's movies where the housewife is the horny hooker.
This goes beyond a little caretaker burn out. I think family dysfunction is smothering me. I can not be responsible for everyone's emotions. Sure, logically I know that we can not control another person's emotions. But the fucking unrelenting training in my childhood is that I am indeed responsible. It's a lot to shoulder as a kid. And try as I might I can not break the loop in my brain.
 

The Weeknd-Save Your Tears

I want to be bad. Even before this horrific pandemic I wanted to bust out of my trap. I am so sick of doing the right thing and being a good girl. And I do have covid fatigue. At the beginning I entered lock down but now I am just so sick of the social isolation I am bursting out.
I recently threw caution to the wind and risked both my heart and health. He was from South America and loves motorcycles. He has thick black hair, beautiful brown eyes, stubble and killer eyebrows. He is a gruff biker teddy bear. I could have easily fallen in love with him. But he just wanted to have fun and I want a relationship. He didn't want to break my heart so we ended things. But before we ended things we had a couple of glorious nights in bed. So I went from social isolation to jumping into bed and exchanging bodily fluids with someone who does not take the coronavirus seriously. He takes almost no precautions and I didn't take any precautions with him. But the way he kissed me...
I take care of my elderly father and often am told what a good daughter I am to him. That in and of itself is loaded but I won't focus on that now. I go back to my original thought. I want to be bad. I am a good white girl from the Midwest. I do my best to not to be a Karen. I am a good friend, sister, cousin, worker and citizen. But it can be suffocating; this trying to be good all the time. This constant putting of other's needs above my own. I feel like that could kill me, not Covid 19. I am only human. And that might be how I ended up in bed with a South American Harley rider.