He's not going to call. The Harley Rider and I are over. We had a fight last week and I think it's actually over this time. At first I felt free from his control. Now my mind is fucking with me. Yesterday all I could think of was the walk we took the first time we met. We were walking side by side and he brushed up against my arm. After I didn't move away he spun around and kissed me. He took me by surprise and I was so happy. Why can't I focus on the shitty times? Why am I torturing myself thinking about the good times? I want that giddy feeling back. When I would run down the stairs to answer the door. I would throw myself into his arms and he would kiss me. Those incredible kisses. How am I going to live without ever being kissed by him again?
I made it through another night without him. And it was a Sunday night. Sunday night the trash cans rumble around me as neighbors pull them to the curb. I put mine out and wondered where he is. We always got together on Sunday nights after he spent the weekend out on his Harley. At least this morning I am thinking of all of the bad times and am fighting my mind when it tries to focus on other times. I need to remember how bad it was. I need to believe that I deserve better than him.
But not only do I not believe I deserve better than him but I believe there is nothing better than this. My mother did me a great disservice. She and my father did not have an emotionally healthy relationship. I repeatably asked her if more emotionally healthy men existed and she always answered in the negative. My entire family set me up with very low expectations. Hey, if they're faithful and don't beat you, what else do you need??
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