Alanis Morissette-Smiling

 I don't know what's going to happen. It's been two weeks to the day since I've spoken to the South American Harley rider. We had gotten back together a month ago, lasted two weeks and now have not spoken for two. I know what I should do. I should block his number. Block his number so I'll never be tempted to go back if he contacts me again. But, when have I ever done the smart thing when he is concerned? 

In the space of a week and two days the Harley rider pushed me away and then my father did.  

I thought that a Latino Harley rider was the farthest thing from my white uptight accountant father but I couldn't be farther from the truth. They are one and the same man. When will I stop trying to win my father's love?  

I thought I could heal and be in a relationship with the Harley rider at the same time. But every time he was an asshole my PTSD would trigger. And he could be a major asshole. I fell hard from this last push away. I felt like I was in a rushing river and I could not get my feet on solid ground. I was swept up in feelings from the present and the past. I couldn't tell where one started and the other ended. My therapist helped me put limits on my thoughts to help with the surge of emotions. So my current goal is to only spend half of the day thinking about this shit. But I must not forget how this has made me feel. How he makes me feel. It's just a matter of focusing on how I don't want to feel that way again. I won't let him hurt me again.