Tanglewood

I started thinking existentially this morning.  I've recently finished both Debbie Harry's autobiography, "Face it", and Flea's, "Acid for the Children". So I could be in a self assessing state of mind. Plus it's a new decade! I realized last night that I have a tough time realizing I exist. That my body and mind are connected and I will not float off into the cosmos until this body is done for. Perhaps I have lived too much of my life in my head. I have never been one for sweaty, grueling physical activity. And past trauma has caused a life-long problem of dissociating at the most inconvenient times. So this morning I thought to myself; what is my purpose in life? Why have the powers that be grant me this life I am living? And my automatic go to is caretaking. I have taken care of many children and animals. I have taken care of my mother as the horrible disease of cancer ravaged her body and took her life. And I take care of my elderly father. While I take comfort that I have given comfort and care to many who have needed it. I ask myself...is this just what society expects me to do? That I have simply fulfilled society's role assigned to women. It's a quagmire. I am good at taking care of others and feel it adds to our messy society. But would I have found other strengths if not for society telling me I needed to take care of other people? Would my purpose in life be something else? I grew up in the 80's. But despite it being after the first wave of feminism, society was still locked in strict gender roles. Of course, we could say that in 2020 we are locked in strict gender roles. What if I would have been pushed in science and math? What if I were pushed in sports? I watch with glee as my nieces are raised in a system which does push them to stretch. Which leads me back to my original morning thought. What is my purpose in life? Perhaps even as I approach fifty I can push myself to stretch despite not receiving incentive to grow as a young girl. That's a daunting thought- can I push myself out of my comfort area of caretaking and develop other strengths that could lead to a more fulfilling societal role? I'd like to think yes, but I do not anticipate it being easy. Here's to the new year and decade! And a new me.