Berlin-No More Words

Doja Cat-Cyber Sex

It's been 21 days since the South American Harley Rider and I have texted. Why the fuck does it still hurt so much? Why the hell am I pining after him? We were texting about fixing things but he said I would fuck things up. I went into a major downward shame spiral three days later and binged on peanut m&m's. I ate a 62 serving Costco jug in two and a half days. I was nodding off for three days like I had done heroin. My body's plumbing clogged up from all of that sugar. I kept waiting for the Crohn's flare up. I know my Crohn's was not that severe until I started emotionally binging on sugar 6 years ago when my Mom died. Four days after the binging started I had therapy. My therapist helped me work through some of the shame spiral. Four hours later my body released physically, emotionally and mentally. I think I pooped out all of that chocolate. 

I'm still a little shaky but have not eaten too much sugar since binging. I did give into a craving for a chocolate milk shake the day after therapy. I pooped that out right away...no holding onto that chocolate. My body is starting to straighten out as I return to a regular food intake. 

I had been getting the binging, sugar intake and Crohn's under control starting in January. I keep thinking how is it that one exploded love affair could make me fall off the wagon and get run over by it. I realized that something more was going on after watching Psych2go's Youtube video, 7 Signs of Unhealed Relationship Trauma. This break up has tapped into unhealed trauma and now knowing this I feel a little less like I'm losing my mind.

Katy Perry-Wide Awake

I had another go around with the South American Harley rider this week. For someone who was just having fun he got really upset at me. He wanted a commitment from me without being committed. My part in things were not expressing my feelings better. I sent a final text and he ghosted me.

I've done a lot of thinking today. Sometimes I think I expect you to be a mind reader. Maybe I haven't said it but I do care about you deeply. I'm sorry if any of my words or actions have hurt you.

I was momentarily curious about a guy in a dress but do not want a guy in a dress. In fact I really don't want any other guys. I want you. All I can say is when I feel myself getting upset I'll take some deep breaths and process things without hopefully saying anything stupid.

Will you come over and talk about things? Maybe start over?

I don't think I could have stated things any clearer. One of my regrets in life was not telling my ex-boyfriend sooner how I felt about him. So I wanted to have my say with the Harley rider. He didn't want me to see other men but I was afraid he would toss me to the side so I looked for other men. I didn't feel secure enough with him. And why would I? He would only commit to "having fun" and I don't know how many women he was talking to. But, ultimately, even if it was too late I did tell him how I felt. So I do have a sense of closure. There have been some tears. I do miss him.

It's really tough for me to be vulnerable. It seems like ever time I open my heart and express how I feel the guy freaks out and takes off. It feels like if I relax something bad will happen.

Should we tell our loved ones everything? I vowed not to keep secrets after watching my Mom keep so many things from my Dad over the years. But was that the right thing to do? That sometimes our loved ones can't handle our secrets? I would like to think that I would find someone I didn't have to keep things from. I certainly kept things from the Harley rider and there were many other things I should have kept locked away from him. But I am happy that in the end I didn't keep my feelings to myself and told him I cared deeply for him. I do not regret that although I regret other things I didn't keep from him. Maybe some people can't handle the truth.

Flume-Tiny Cites & Never Be Like You

He's not going to call. The Harley Rider and I are over. We had a fight last week and I think it's actually over this time. At first I felt free from his control. Now my mind is fucking with me. Yesterday all I could think of was the walk we took the first time we met. We were walking side by side and he brushed up against my arm. After I didn't move away he spun around and kissed me. He took me by surprise and I was so happy. Why can't I focus on the shitty times? Why am I torturing myself thinking about the good times? I want that giddy feeling back. When I would run down the stairs to answer the door. I would throw myself into his arms and he would kiss me. Those incredible kisses. How am I going to live without ever being kissed by him again?

I made it through another night without him. And it was a Sunday night. Sunday night the trash cans rumble around me as neighbors pull them to the curb. I put mine out and wondered where he is. We always got together on Sunday nights after he spent the weekend out on his Harley. At least this morning I am thinking of all of the bad times and am fighting my mind when it tries to focus on other times. I need to remember how bad it was. I need to believe that I deserve better than him.

But not only do I not believe I deserve better than him but I believe there is nothing better than this. My mother did me a great disservice. She and my father did not have an emotionally healthy relationship. I  repeatably asked her if more emotionally healthy men existed and she always answered in the negative. My entire family set me up with very low expectations. Hey, if they're faithful and don't beat you, what else do you need?? 

Ac/Dc-Dirty Deeds Done Dirt Cheap

My bedroom still smells like him. What the fuck am I doing? The Harley Rider almost cost me a woman. I was upfront about having him and she worried I was just out for sex. She's bi also and realizes what a bad rep bisexuals can get so after some discussion we were on the same page.
I've recently started coming to terms with my bisexuality. I look back and realize it's been there since I was an adolescent, if not earlier. I just wasn't cognizant of it. I had never heard the term bisexual. I had a fairly conservative upbringing. When I became curious my mother gave me a sex education book written by the conservative Dr. James Dobson. That was confusing as fuck! I thought men just rubbed against you and I decided that might be okay. So learning about intercourse at school was kind of mind blowing. The just of this book was, unsurprisingly, abstinence must be practiced. You weren't suppose to have sex before marriage. Having a same sex partner was so far out of the realm of that education. But why then did I keep looking at the Frederick's of Hollywood catalogs? I loved looking at the women's butts. I'm not sure if I would call myself an ass woman but I loved the butts in those catalogs. It was there, along with an attraction to boys, but I had no name for it. I didn't understand bisexuality or that I was one. And when I started taking baby steps I was met with shame and rejection.
After graduating high school at my job there was an "old" (maybe 50?) bisexual woman. When she heard I was curious and had questions she thought I wanted to have sex with her and wouldn't even talk to me. I was so disgusted! She was the last woman I wanted to have sex with. I believe that it is a common misconception that if you are attracted to the same sex you are attracted to every single same sex person you meet. It took me awhile to realize that being attracted to women was the same as the attraction towards men. Some women I am attracted to, others not so much. I am not attracted to every man I meet. Why would I be attracted to every woman I meet? I think about that "old" bi woman. What an asshole! A young girl with questions and you can't even answer a single query. And I feel like it only went downhill from there.

Blue Oyster Cult-Burnin' For You

Things are fucked up! In the world in general but especially when it comes to love. There is heavy traffic on the dating sites right now. Everyone is looking for a hook-up. And my Harley Rider is all over the place. According to him this is still not a relationship but he bounces from extremes like a mentally unstable child.
This morning alone he said, "No one puts his cock in my pussy and your pussy is mine", along with, "Just use a condom with other guys".
I texted my ex-boyfriend yesterday. He was extremely mercurial throughout our relationship until I left him. Now ten years later he still consistently tells me he wants me back and how much he loves me. I just figured if anyone could give me some insight into the Harley Rider's brain it would be him. I worry I may just repeating the past.
I do however admit I am getting some amazing stress relief. We may be screwing with each other's heads as much as our bodies. But it is certainly fun to roll around in bed with him for hours. It has even made it easier to be around my dad. It could be alleviating some of my caretaker/family dysfunction burnout.

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After Note: Fell asleep at my Dad's because I am so tired staying up with my Harley Rider. He wouldn't let me sleep because he wanted to binge, "Curb your Enthusiasm". I don't want to watch "Curb your Enthusiasm" with my Dad. I reverted to emotional eating and wolfed down tortilla chips and ice cream. I think I need more sex.

Tame Impala-The Less I Know The Better

I went out with the Romanian last night. My Latino Harley rider said we were not exclusive. That didn't last for long. He came over after I got home. He wants me to cut it off with the Romanian. And we are now seeing each other. I'm not quite sure if I know what I am getting myself into. He went into full machismo mode. He said he would fight over me if it came down to it. I certainly do not want punches thrown on my behalf. The Harley rider can be a dick when he needs to be a dick.
The Romanian seems to be more sensitive and was willing to take things slow. Am I making a big fucking mistake? Am I throwing away the chance to an emotionally healthy relationship? One not based on carnal desire. I came so hard last night. It is almost impossible to see beyond the pleasure.
How do I end things with the Romanian? I may want to be bad but I don't want to hurt anyone's feelings. Does it at least deserve a phone call? I am usually the one being dumped. I am not good at gracefully ending things.