Lady Gaga-Alejandro

 I would have married him if he would have asked. That's how far gone I was with the South American Harley rider. It's been almost three weeks since we have spoken. It's like I have emerged from a drug induced fog. By no means does that mean that I am not feeling the loss of him. But it's more like I can be objective in a way that I wasn't before. I thought maybe it was a loss of human connection that was driving my pain which is especially heightened during this pandemic. But I did go out with a very nice man this weekend. I felt a connection to him even though it was not physical. 

The Harley rider is more than a human connection. He is a drug. A disease. An addiction. He activates my anxious attachment style and he clearly has an avoidant attachment style. When I think of him it's like I am banging my head against a brick wall. I literally have physical pain on the front and top of my head. He is a burning building that I can't stop running into to save my life. I've given it to November first and then I am blocking his number. I realize it is dangerous to leave myself open to his communication. I can't stop wanting him to contact me but pray he doesn't. 

Yeah Yeah Yeahs-Heads Will Roll

 

Alanis Morissette-Smiling

 I don't know what's going to happen. It's been two weeks to the day since I've spoken to the South American Harley rider. We had gotten back together a month ago, lasted two weeks and now have not spoken for two. I know what I should do. I should block his number. Block his number so I'll never be tempted to go back if he contacts me again. But, when have I ever done the smart thing when he is concerned? 

In the space of a week and two days the Harley rider pushed me away and then my father did.  

I thought that a Latino Harley rider was the farthest thing from my white uptight accountant father but I couldn't be farther from the truth. They are one and the same man. When will I stop trying to win my father's love?  

I thought I could heal and be in a relationship with the Harley rider at the same time. But every time he was an asshole my PTSD would trigger. And he could be a major asshole. I fell hard from this last push away. I felt like I was in a rushing river and I could not get my feet on solid ground. I was swept up in feelings from the present and the past. I couldn't tell where one started and the other ended. My therapist helped me put limits on my thoughts to help with the surge of emotions. So my current goal is to only spend half of the day thinking about this shit. But I must not forget how this has made me feel. How he makes me feel. It's just a matter of focusing on how I don't want to feel that way again. I won't let him hurt me again. 

Berlin-No More Words

Doja Cat-Cyber Sex

It's been 21 days since the South American Harley Rider and I have texted. Why the fuck does it still hurt so much? Why the hell am I pining after him? We were texting about fixing things but he said I would fuck things up. I went into a major downward shame spiral three days later and binged on peanut m&m's. I ate a 62 serving Costco jug in two and a half days. I was nodding off for three days like I had done heroin. My body's plumbing clogged up from all of that sugar. I kept waiting for the Crohn's flare up. I know my Crohn's was not that severe until I started emotionally binging on sugar 6 years ago when my Mom died. Four days after the binging started I had therapy. My therapist helped me work through some of the shame spiral. Four hours later my body released physically, emotionally and mentally. I think I pooped out all of that chocolate. 

I'm still a little shaky but have not eaten too much sugar since binging. I did give into a craving for a chocolate milk shake the day after therapy. I pooped that out right away...no holding onto that chocolate. My body is starting to straighten out as I return to a regular food intake. 

I had been getting the binging, sugar intake and Crohn's under control starting in January. I keep thinking how is it that one exploded love affair could make me fall off the wagon and get run over by it. I realized that something more was going on after watching Psych2go's Youtube video, 7 Signs of Unhealed Relationship Trauma. This break up has tapped into unhealed trauma and now knowing this I feel a little less like I'm losing my mind.

Katy Perry-Wide Awake

I had another go around with the South American Harley rider this week. For someone who was just having fun he got really upset at me. He wanted a commitment from me without being committed. My part in things were not expressing my feelings better. I sent a final text and he ghosted me.

I've done a lot of thinking today. Sometimes I think I expect you to be a mind reader. Maybe I haven't said it but I do care about you deeply. I'm sorry if any of my words or actions have hurt you.

I was momentarily curious about a guy in a dress but do not want a guy in a dress. In fact I really don't want any other guys. I want you. All I can say is when I feel myself getting upset I'll take some deep breaths and process things without hopefully saying anything stupid.

Will you come over and talk about things? Maybe start over?

I don't think I could have stated things any clearer. One of my regrets in life was not telling my ex-boyfriend sooner how I felt about him. So I wanted to have my say with the Harley rider. He didn't want me to see other men but I was afraid he would toss me to the side so I looked for other men. I didn't feel secure enough with him. And why would I? He would only commit to "having fun" and I don't know how many women he was talking to. But, ultimately, even if it was too late I did tell him how I felt. So I do have a sense of closure. There have been some tears. I do miss him.

It's really tough for me to be vulnerable. It seems like ever time I open my heart and express how I feel the guy freaks out and takes off. It feels like if I relax something bad will happen.

Should we tell our loved ones everything? I vowed not to keep secrets after watching my Mom keep so many things from my Dad over the years. But was that the right thing to do? That sometimes our loved ones can't handle our secrets? I would like to think that I would find someone I didn't have to keep things from. I certainly kept things from the Harley rider and there were many other things I should have kept locked away from him. But I am happy that in the end I didn't keep my feelings to myself and told him I cared deeply for him. I do not regret that although I regret other things I didn't keep from him. Maybe some people can't handle the truth.

Flume-Tiny Cites & Never Be Like You

He's not going to call. The Harley Rider and I are over. We had a fight last week and I think it's actually over this time. At first I felt free from his control. Now my mind is fucking with me. Yesterday all I could think of was the walk we took the first time we met. We were walking side by side and he brushed up against my arm. After I didn't move away he spun around and kissed me. He took me by surprise and I was so happy. Why can't I focus on the shitty times? Why am I torturing myself thinking about the good times? I want that giddy feeling back. When I would run down the stairs to answer the door. I would throw myself into his arms and he would kiss me. Those incredible kisses. How am I going to live without ever being kissed by him again?

I made it through another night without him. And it was a Sunday night. Sunday night the trash cans rumble around me as neighbors pull them to the curb. I put mine out and wondered where he is. We always got together on Sunday nights after he spent the weekend out on his Harley. At least this morning I am thinking of all of the bad times and am fighting my mind when it tries to focus on other times. I need to remember how bad it was. I need to believe that I deserve better than him.

But not only do I not believe I deserve better than him but I believe there is nothing better than this. My mother did me a great disservice. She and my father did not have an emotionally healthy relationship. I  repeatably asked her if more emotionally healthy men existed and she always answered in the negative. My entire family set me up with very low expectations. Hey, if they're faithful and don't beat you, what else do you need??